Fun and Easy Strategies to Diffuse Tension and Reduce Awkwardness During the Holidays
The Holidays are a time of gathering, sharing, and celebrating. People typically experience stress and anxiety about family dynamics, gift giving, scheduling, navigating the in-laws, dietary restrictions, and more. How do we support ourselves and each other during bio or chosen family gatherings? For me, I like to have Games or prompts in my back pocket to bust out to avoid awkward silence or diffuse hostility.
One such game is called Don’t Get Me Started. Here’s how it works: set a 1 minute timer per person and someone else assigns them a mundane object or concept to “rant” about. This can be done “Whose Line” style where multiple people throw out ideas and the person chooses or you have the person to their right or left choose. Up to you. The “rant” can be positive or negative; praise or complaint. Regardless of which direction it goes, sometimes both, it should be done with gusto and passion. The purpose is to direct frustrated energy toward something that holds little charge and usually lightens the mood and inspires laughter.
EX: Metal straws: “Don’t get me started on metal straws! They’re better for the environment and I love the ones with a slight bend for ease of use. They make the beverage feel colder. I don’t like the texture of the metal on my mouth so I put the silicone tips on them and then they’re perfect. And I like being able to color coordinate the silicone tip with my cup. Sometimes, I even put a silicone tip on the bottom of the straw to silence the annoying scraping sound on the bottom of my cup. Then, when I have to clean them, I like using the special scrubber. But, if I lose the scrubber it’s annoying to try to clean them and they don’t clean in the dishwasher without scrubbing, especially after smoothies…”
Another game I like to use in group situations is called One Time… This game is about sharing a personal experience or one you’ve had with members of the gathering stated in headline format, meaning one sentence. It can go around the table or be “popcorn style” meaning anyone can share when they feel compelled. Then, if someone wants to hear more about one of the stories based on the headline, especially if it’s one that involves them, they can ask to “double-click” on that story and the original sharer can go into more detail about the experience. This game can be a fun and structured way to lead into story-telling that feels balanced and anyone can participate. Keep in mind, it’s important to set expectations about not interrupting or talking over who is sharing so everyone can be part of the same conversation.
EX: “One time… I went sky diving for my birthday.” *Someone double-clicks* “Well, actually, I’ve gone skydiving for my birthday on three occasions. The first time, I went with my older brother on my 18th birthday.”
EX: “One time… I went white water rafting with my mom in Costa Rica.” *Mom double-clicks* “I remember dumping over the side of the kayak at one point and mom was freaking out if I was okay.”
EX: One time… I got married on the roof of a castle.” Husband double-clicks* “It was a castle in Italy, overlooking a lake, during sunset. Our best friend was there and I remember how happy I was walking up the stone stairs to the roof and seeing you standing there smiling and crying a bit.”
Some great and substantive general curiosity prompts are:
What are you proud of?
What are you looking forward to?
What’s holding you back?
What do you want more of in your life?
What are you passionate about?
Lastly, and possibly most importantly, check in with yourself and, if present, your spouse/partner/friend and honor your needs. Step outside, hide in the bathroom, sneak away for pie. Maybe establish a code word for when you want to leave soon or need support. And, after, express to your spouse/partner/friend how their presence made you feel and made a difference using Appreciations in the form of Truth Statements (“When you… [did objectively observable thing], I felt… [subjective emotion]”).
EX: “When you talked to my dad about your work while I stepped outside, I felt proud and grateful.”
EX: “When you made a special dish you knew I could eat, I felt seen and cared for.”
EX: “When you re-directed conversation when my mom brought up me having children, I felt relieved.”
Each of these are simple activities that I’ve experienced as inspiring laughter, deeper conversation, and more intentional connection. For those who just need to survive the holidays or bio fam, remember to share appreciation for those who supported you through another gathering.